Moving Through Shame & Denial
We don’t know about you, but the beginning of this whole diagnosis and healing process was fraught with plenty of shock, shame and denial. That blurry feeling so reminiscent of trauma rapidly took up residence leaving our days filled with a thick, soupy fog. Similar to swimming with your eyes open underwater, everything just looked different. Questions of: Is this real? Am I making this up? How can this even be? swirled together with panic driven thoughts like, “OMG if anyone finds out I’ll lose my job!” It all took on a distinct dissociative tempo: as if a Krump dance unexpectedly snapped itself into slow motion.
On the other side of that emotional cyclone, however, came a sudden, pivotal increase in awareness. We began to notice so many symptoms that we’d brushed off, excused away or overlooked entirely. And then, just as suddenly, anger, frustration, and embarrassment rolled in like a King Tide. And I hated everything about it.
”In time you’ll come to accept your parts,” my therapist said matter of factly.
That’s never going to f*ing happen, snarked a 13 year old voice in my head. “I don’t want parts. I just want to be one person. Just one,” I lamented, while a chorus of internal voices melded into a loud clamor.
Despite all of my wishing and whining, the dissociative symptoms continued in all their unpredictable glory. Embarrassing moments tangoed with memory lapses, while good friends I swore I’d never met before and skillsets that flickered like lights in a supercell thunderstorm were delivered on the never-ending conveyer belt of confusion I called my daily life.
Finally, about two years into therapy and somewhere in the midst of Mardi Gras style chaos, the realization suddenly hit me: parts were there whether I wanted them to be or not. Things that were completely out of my control were continuing to happen, whether I wanted them to or not. I could resent it. I could be angry about it. I could deny it. I could stick my head in the sand all I wanted to, but the parts and symptoms were still there. That seemingly simple realization brought with it a newfound willingness to learn about both my condition and my parts. If they were going to be there no matter what, I might as well start swimming with the tide instead of against it.
Getting Started
Establishing communication between parts felt lofty, but it needed happen first. Without communication there can be no cooperation or collaboration. Establishing communication is a process that evolved across fits and starts. We used journals, phone notes, reminders, alarms and the impromptu internal talking inward that evolved to conversations that I could never remember the details of. With time, patience and lots of practice, internal communication was established and improved.
At one point when our internal communication wasn’t even good, let alone resemble anything remotely successful, our therapist suggested that we hold daily morning meetings. The idea sounded both revolutionary and completely baffling. She envisioned it to be a time where all parts come together, voice their needs and desires, check in, support each other, plan the day and finally orient back into the present. Realistically, all of that required some semblance of cooperation that we didn’t have in place yet. But I’m always up for a challenge, so after a fashionable amount of procrastination, I dove right in.
Right at the outset, I learned a few important points:
If communication isn’t established or smooth, it’s important to continue talking inwardly. Parts always hear us regardless of whether or not they answer us.
Consistency is king. In order for parts to talk to you, you have to gain their trust. Showing up regularly, preferably at planned intervals, and not just when you feel like it, is a great way to show that you’re trustworthy.
Be prepared for them to answer. If you are talking inwardly, but deep down you don’t really want to hear from them, you won’t. Our parts are always listening and watching. If you really don’t want to know, they’re not going to tell you. Work on being really open and willing to hear anything and everything your parts have to say.
When we first started holding system meetings, we’d only been using a journal to communicate with each other. Formal system meetings were a new concept and one that I had no idea how to orchestrate.
“You’re a therapist, you’ve run groups before. It’s the same thing,” our therapist quipped.
Through a great deal of trial and error, we began to find our groove. We discovered that not only did parts show up, but they actually appreciated the space and time to meet. We learned that for us, mornings are not a good time for meetings. We found that taking notes was imperative: it’s the only way for us to remember what happened in the meetings. Asking another part to be a record keeper or notetaker can be helpful.
We learned some important things worth sharing with you:
Meetings are a great time to check in with everyone, do a roll call, see who needs what, make plans and settle into the present moment.
You have to show up, be committed and follow through.
Any parts that request something reasonable should have that request fulfilled. It shows them they’re valued and important.
If we said we were going to do something we need to follow through and do it, otherwise there will be backlash.
If we didn’t do something that we said we would do, we need to apologize and be accountable for it, the same way we would with external people.
Strive for daily meetings. Daily meetings, or at least daily check- ins, are optimal for communication, cooperation and collaboration. 2-3 times per week is also fine. Weekly should be the bare minimum frequency for system meetings.
Pay attention to what works best for *your unique system.* For example, we currently meet weekly, occasionally twice a week. When we met daily, the meetings became more of a task to be checked off a list. They lacked depth and meaning, and frankly weren’t particularly productive. Our balance is meeting weekly with brief daily check-ins in between.
Be sure to hold a meeting before important events to prepare all parts for what is coming up. Trust us- It will make your life so much easier!
Apprise parts of any upcoming medical appointments. Tell them where you’re going, why you’re going there and what will happen while you’re there.
If you forget, tell them as soon as you remember. We once held a meeting mid scan during a nuclear stress test. It allowed us to update and reassure some very triggered parts.
Always ask if there is anything that parts need to feel safe enough. Consider asking younger parts to sit out the appointment some place else that feels settling to them. You might consider asking if there are any parts that can be with the younger parts, especially if the Littles are scared.
Visits with family or any person who may be triggering to spend time with are also occasions to hold meetings about. Let parts know why you’re going, what will happen while you’re there and remind them of today’s date including day of the week and year to orient everyone to the present. Remind them that today you are all safe enough (assuming that you really are.)
Make sure all parts know about vacations or time spent away from home. Fill them in about the what, when, where and why of the upcoming situation.
Meetings are important even when you don’t have reciprocal communication going.
It bears repeating that our parts are always listening and watching. They always know.
The more you show up and talk, the more your parts will trust you, the more they will begin to share with you.
Establishing reciprocal communication takes practice. Some people establish it rapidly, some establish it gradually, and most establish it somewhere in between.
Communication comes in more than just the spoken word. Communication might be:
Spoken words that sound like different voices in your head.
It might show up on paper, in journals, on sticky notes and through various different handwriting styles.
It might be revealed in arts or crafts.
It can come in feelings, images, thoughts, urges and sensations.
Remember that whatever doesn’t “feel like me” is one or more of them communicating with you.
Getting to Know Parts
Once we got the basics of communication and meeting down, getting to know parts became one of the biggest tasks that would have the highest payoff. The reality is that once parts start showing up and communicating, life starts to change in some pretty amazing ways. So be prepared for some magic to unfold.
Getting to know some parts better, allowed me to begin to see just how much my parts have done. They are why and how we survived all that we did. I can say with assurity that parts are ingenious, brave and strong. This next part is tricky to put into words. So, in the spirit of not triggering anyone reading, I’ll just say that there are parts that hold monstrously big emotions, parts that hold the details of horrific experiences, parts that navigated literal life threatening situations, and still other parts responsible for things like socializing, work, academics, and performing. As I come to know my parts in more depth, I am struck by their strength and I find myself feeling grateful for all they hold.
The little 4 year old who has been face down, limp like a rag doll, so small and unmoving, holds what I can only imagine to be catastrophic grief… or perhaps she’s frozen in terror. I don’t know yet. In fact, I don’t know her yet, nor do I know the younger ones behind her. But, what she faced alone, the 14 year old part who does know her, acknowledges that it is soul shattering. Our 4 year old’s willingness to hold that emotion allowed other parts to navigate school with relative ease, which in turn opened many doors for older adolescent and adult parts (at least I think they’re adults!) That part’s boundless love led her to sacrifice so much to ensure that others in the system could survive. My resentment fades with that knowledge. After all, how can you not feel love and compassion for that little girl who endured and sacrificed so much for you?
While there are, of course, holes in my memory, I (we) do know many details of our history. While I know some facts, I am not the one who holds the associated emotions. That means when I convey pieces of a story or event that I do remember, I generally do so from a foggy, surreal place complete with an elevated heart rate and trembling body. Many will say, “that’s a trauma response.” Yes. Yes, it is. But the point is that the devastating emotions are held by another part. It is because other parts hold these intense emotions, while still others hold details and memories, that we have been able to be very successful in our academic and work life while also taking care of ourselves and our family.
You already know from our last Dancing With Confusion: Another DID Adventure post that our life with DID is not all smooth sailing. Our scrappy 13 year old who gets us into plenty of trouble makes sure of that. But she is also a fierce protector, whose sharp tongue has set necessary limits and protected others who were vulnerable and unable to protect themselves. That fact makes handling the embarrassment and messes left behind in the wake of her inappropriate lashing a bit easier to manage.
To be sure, there are also what I’ll call hybrid incidents with her. Hybrid incidences are when she offers protection and creates a mess at the same time. Like the time she got us and our whole table thrown out of a comedy club. A comedian relentlessly cracked off color jokes about CSA victims, and it just so happened that half of our table were victims of CSA. And they were wildly triggered. The last thing I remember was feeling unsettled by the look of shock, horror and shame in their eyes along with the helpless, scared look on another. Apparently after that, our 13 year old sprang into action loudly challenging the comedian’s integrity and character while schooling him in facts and statistics about CSA and the lives it annihilates. Neither she nor the comedian would let it go, hurling insults back and forth at each other like a Wimbledon match. Since he was the one getting paid to perform, we were the ones getting escorted out of the club by security. Oops.
Embarrasing? Sure. A little mess to clean up? Yup. The end of the world? Nope. If you look at her intentions, which were to protect triggered, vulnerable friends, that scrappy little 13 year old lioness did her very best. So, yes, there are plenty of challenges, but when you really look underneath and examine motivations while getting to know your parts, you find that there are also many immeasurably beautiful treasures.
Every part in a system has at least one role or job that they were designed to do. Even the persecutors have important roles. I know, touchy subject and not one we will be diving into today. But they are remarkably misunderstood. Persecutors can act in some pretty harmful ways, but they always have protective intentions and survival at heart. When you realize your parts’ dedication to survival and you can really see their pain and anguish along with their steadfast determination and sheer will to ensure that you not only survive but thrive in life…how can you not love them? And that realization, my friends, changes everything.
Thank you for this today. The timing was perfect for where I am. Thank you for your vulnerability.❤️
What does CSA mean?