It Happens to Everyone
If you have a DID/OSDD diagnosis or experience, you’ve undoubtedly found yourself wondering if you might be "making up" your parts or symptoms. Honestly, worrying about that is pretty common. Since dissociation is designed to make us feel like "it’s not real” in order to allow for our survival, it makes sense that we would find ourselves questioning the reality of our past and present.
Gifts, Smoke Alarms & Systems
At the time of traumatic events, which, if you have DID/OSDD are prolonged, dissociation is a true gift. We were able to survive because of it. Dissociation becomes a go-to coping mechanism for those of us with complex dissociation. After all, our brains are adept at neuroception, the process of our neural circuits constantly scanning the environment to determine whether or not we’re safe. When you’ve grown up in perpetually unsafe environments, neuroception can be especially sensitive. The amygdala, the part of the brain that senses danger, is like our smoke alarm, if you will. As Carolyn Spring adeptly notes in her blog on managing triggers:
The amygdala is a very basic bit of brain kit – it doesn’t think, it doesn’t spend long processing incoming information, and it’s not smart. It is just a smoke alarm – it only responds to what it perceives to be smoke. So it cannot tell the difference between burnt toast and the house being on fire.[1]
As you might imagine, when the smoke alarm of the brain is sensitive but can’t tell the difference between burnt toast and a 9-alarm fire, you can end up with a whole fleet of firetrucks arriving just to attend to a toaster. That feels like a whole lot of drama just for toast, doesn’t it?
It’s important to understand, though, that this super sensitive part of the brain plays a big role in our survival. It was important that it was as sensitive as it was back then so we could read the air and keep ourselves as safe as possible. It’s just now that the environment is technically safe, the 9-alarm fire calls for simple toast can be…problematic. When the alarm gets set off, dissociation comes to the rescue when we don’t necessarily need it to anymore.
So…there’s that issue. Add to that, the fact that when our beautiful brains prevented the process of a singular integrated identity from forming, we ended up with many parts that attend to the different aspects of our lives. In many ways this works brilliantly. Back in the earlier days, for example, we had clearly defined parts that handled school. One part handled the academics, another part handled friendships. School was their jam. They were great at it (still are!). But if you asked either one anything about home, they couldn’t tell you. They knew home existed, but they couldn’t access that information. That was handled by different parts. And likewise, if you asked those different parts that handled home about school, you wouldn’t be able to get much out of them save for the fact that they knew school happened.
There are, of course, many different parts that handle many different things, but for the purposes of illustration, we’ll stick to these basic ones. The parts functioned smoothly enough so that from an outsider’s perspective, we appeared to be just like everyone else who did have a singular integrated identity. And that is part of the point, right? Systems are designed to fly under the radar so that we can function. If we were so obviously different and called too much attention to ourselves, our safety would have been further compromised and it’s likely the horrors would’ve been more horrible.
Systems know what they need to do to survive. That’s the whole point. Yet there are some unique challenges when you have multiple parts driving the body through its day. The inconsistencies in preferences/likes/dislikes, tasks, information, emotions and more makes navigating plural life complex. But we figure it out.
Compensating through Inconsistencies as a Way of Life
If you’re a system, you know this well…and, often, we're all just trying to get by. Over time we've learned how to compensate for things like lost time. We learned to compensate for saying things that don't make sense to others, overreacting in certain situations, finding things we don't remember buying, navigating running into people who know us but whom we can’t remember. We compensate for not being productive at work or home by working long hours and weekends. We don’t notice our inconsistencies in being present which makes maintaining relationships an Olympic event. We zone out too often; we miss what others’ say...you name it, it probably happens, but we figured out how to compensate for it.
We also become adept at minimizing and explaining things to ourselves. How many times have I thought, “why are they gaslighting me? We did NOT just have that conversation!” or “Why is s/he making that up? I would never do that! Their memory sucks. Whatever, I’ll just let them think that.” Then there’s the, “So weird that that show is showing up as already watched. Heh. Must be a tech glitch.” Or “Guess the cashier threw this in my bag from the person in front of me.” Or “When did I write that?” We’re really good at dismissing, ignoring and explaining things away.
When you are primarily in this state and you first discover (or rediscover as that may be) that you have DID or OSDD, denial is still easy. You just continue with the same line of reasoning above. At the same time, there is an undeniable shift. Things start feeling surreal- quite possibly for a long time- as you come face to face with the reality of your parts, diagnosis, and life. You realize that the voices you hear arguing, talking, and giving advice aren’t “thoughts” the way other people think them. You realize that the noise in your head that sounds like the noise you hear in a crowd of people where you hear lots of voices but can’t make out what anyone is saying, is not actually experienced by everyone else. You start paying attention to your internal world and you start working on communication. Maybe you’re even communicating with your parts through a journal or in your headspace. As awareness increases, you start realizing just how much compensating you’re doing. You can see plenty of evidence of your parts and symptoms. In these moments, it’s relatively easy to say, “Oh yep, DID is very real and present in this life we’re living.”
And then it happens…
Deafening SILENCE
All the chatter, voices, opinions, noise, screaming, yelling, crying that has been part of daily life suddenly and inexplicably shuts off.
It's disorienting. Rather than feel relieved most of us start wondering:
"Wait, did I make all this up? Do I really have parts??”
“Did I just exaggerate??”
“Did that even happen? Was that even real???”
“Wait, WHAT is going on??!!"
And we feel pretty damn worried. Are we valid? Are we not??
Breaking it Down
Here’s the thing…Periods of silence are common. Parts can even go dormant for varying periods of time. We have a few parts that have been dormant for more than a decade. And we have times where it’s silent for a week or a few days. Those moments of silence, the times where life is flowing with more ease, are times when we find ourselves questioning if our DID is real. Hey, maybe the MID was wrong the 10 times we’ve taken it! 🙄Maybe we’ll take it again.🤦♀️Spoiler alert: the results are always the same, even when we try to minimize symptoms, DID and PTSD always stare back at us in the report.
Cycling in and out of wondering, “is this real,” and “am I making this up” is common and it’s exhausting. In general, a lot of us seek external validation.
You, too? Thanks! We feel seen!
But here’s the thing: No one outside of us can truly define our experiences for us. Only we can do that. We are the only ones that go through our day being us. Only we know what that feels like. Only we know what we experience. So, when you think about it that way, it doesn’t really make sense to look outside of ourselves for someone else to tell us that what we experience is valid. Professionals will go through a checklist of diagnostic criteria and match that criteria to what you report and what they observe. But remember, clinicians only observe you during the specific time that you are in front of them. So, what you are reporting is what becomes more important. Even then, diagnostics requires clinical judgement and there can be errors in that. So, again, the most qualified person in your life to validate your experiences is *you*.
So, if that’s the case…What do you do when you feel doubt, insecurity and find yourself questioning whether or not your DID or OSDD is real?
Create a Denial File
Denial files are files we can open to remind ourselves of what is real and true in our experiences when we can’t quite get there logically in our heads. You can create the files in the notes section of your phone or on your laptop or tablet. If that doesn’t feel right, you can collage it, keep it in a journal or devote a whole separate journal for it. Do what feels right to everyone in your system.
The idea is to collect items and “evidence” when you are experiencing them -or shortly after you experience them-to put in your file so you can refer back to it when you need it. We’ll share the process we use to create our own denial files.
Start by inviting all parts to participate. You can begin to create the file and others can add to it over time.
Next, think about your experience of switching. Here are some prompts to help:
How do you feel and what do you sense when another part is coming out? Sleepy? Foggy? Disoriented? Vibrating? Does this happen while writing in your journal? During stressful moments? At random? What is your unique experience? Try to capture that in words or pictures and put it in your file.
How do you feel and what do you think when you find yourself back in the “driver's seat”? Spacey? Stoned? Bad headache? Dizzy? Fuzzy? These are symptoms of dissociation. Capture them in words or images and put these in your files.
What is your system communication like?
Can you talk with each other in your headspace?
Can you converse with parts in your journal?
What do the other voices sound like?
What are some things you’ve heard inside?
When did you hear a conversation?
When did you participate in a conversation?
What was the conversation about?
Do you hear noise, crying, or yelling?
Document these things in your files via images, drawing, collaging or writing. Include a reminder that having the ability to communicate and then losing it just to gain it back again later is common.
Think about your handwriting.
Does it change? For example, we have many different handwriting styles. We used to wonder about that all the time. Now we recognize that it’s because we have different distinct parts that have distinct handwriting styles. Seeing the changes provides its own validation.
Include samples of your handwriting -either pictures of it or actual samples.
Think about who’s driving the bus.
Have you felt like you’ve suddenly been shoved out of the driver’s seat and now you’re just along for the ride in the passenger’s seat observing what is going on?
Have you been in this situation and found yourself not agreeing with what’s going on and wanting to stop or change it, but you can only watch it?
Have you “come to” and found yourself someplace else and have no idea how you got there?
Have you “come to” in the middle of a conversation and/or missed parts of the conversation? (This one is always fun-Thanks, part, for keeping the convo going, but what the heck did you say and which part was it?? I hope I didn’t say anything totally inappropriate! Relatable?)
Are you finding things that have been done, but you don’t remember doing them? (Seriously, though, which part is watching Netflix and for the love of Pete when is this even happening? And can you at least keep my spot so I can find it when I want watch it? Also, I wouldn’t even watch some of those shows! Just sayin’!)
These are more examples of what you can put in your Denial Files to help you remember what’s real and true for you(s).
What pronouns do you use?
Have you found yourself switching back and forth between using “we” and “I”?
Do you always use “we”? It’s particularly amusing when you find yourself asking “are we making this up?” only to have another part answer, “You literally just said ‘we.’”
Do you generally identify as male or female but strongly feel like “they” needs to be part of your pronouns, separate and apart from other gender identification?
Do you have different parts that identify as male, female, nonbinary, trans or something else? Do you feel those shifts within yourself?
Capture snapshots of these experiences in words, images or art for your files.
Do you experience strong emotions coming out of the blue?
Ever feel profoundly sad or angry (or any other emotion for that matter) for seemingly no reason? This is evidence of a part exerting passive influence.
Hint: try asking inwardly what’s going on and let the part know you’re there for it.
Add this to your files.
What are your thoughts like?
Ever have thoughts suddenly disappear? Like suddenly it’s just blank space?
Every have strong thoughts that are nothing like anything you’d ever think show up out of the blue?
These, too, are things you can include in your files.
All of the suggestions above are examples of ‘evidence’ of your parts’ existence and your experiences with DID/OSDD. When you are questioning, flip through your files to remind yourself of your experiences. Remember, too, that “faking it” or making it up requires forethought and planning. All of what we listed about-and so much more-happens without planning and forethought. It quite literally just happens on its own.
Side note: A lot of times when we wonder "Are we making this up?" we might pair that thought with another thought that “it wasn't bad enough to cause this." This kind of thinking is a way of minimizing what happened to soften the enormity of the blow that comes from recognizing all of the unspeakable things we’ve survived. That’s a normal reaction, too, and part of denial.
Having all of these reminders in your Denial Files is a handy way of short circuiting the doubt and denial when it invariably arises.
In closing, just a couple of short reminders for you:
What other people think of us is none of our business.
We are the only people that can define our experience.
We all survived somehow, and that in itself is amazing!
And now...we get to heal.
[1] For more in-depth discussion see Carolyn Spring’s free trauma survivors resource guide.
These are good suggestions. Laughing inside- the image of Gandalf on the fiery bridge “ YOUuuu shall not PASSsss!!!! “