Dancing With Confusion: Another DID Adventure
Common Experiences of Confusion & Small Things That Help
The Search for “Proof”
Before we knew for sure that we were a system (umm, the second time around that is), we searched online to see if we could find first person accounts of the experience. Despite being adept at reading and deciphering the language in the DSM V, we wanted something more personal. But, finding first person accounts proved to be difficult at best.
Certainly, it can be said, “if you’ve met one system, you’ve met one system,” as every system is indeed unique. Therefore, finding something that describes your exact experiences is unlikely. Nonetheless, it still feels important to add to the sparse array of first-person accounts freely available online. Maybe, just maybe it will resonate with even one person and make them feel a little less alone on their journey. After all, especially at the very beginning, when you first recognize your system, the entire experience tends to feel surreal and isolating. It is punctuated with shame, confusion, embarrassment, denial, and sometimes resentment. Connecting with others who share similar experiences can go a long way in reducing and even eradicating shame and embarrassment. Since experiencing confusion is so common and tends to increase feelings of shame and embarrassment for many people, realizing you’re not alone and having some ideas for coping with it can help a lot. That said, if none of what follows resonates with you, that’s okay. It doesn't mean your experiences aren’t valid, it just means that they’re different from ours.
Confusion
Phase one of treatment is about building stability by establishing communication, cooperation and collaboration in that order. In fact, we just recently shared an Instagram post on beginning that very process through finding stability as a system. Confusion tends to be greatly reduced once you are able to regularly communicate, cooperate and collaborate with your parts.
While it’s easy for us to say that, the process itself is anything but quick. It takes time to build awareness and communication before cooperation and collaboration begin to fall into place. For example, our awareness of each other has improved tremendously, and we are doing much better in the realm of communication. But we still have a ways to go, so we can still experience a good deal of confusion.
Sources of Confusion
We thought it might be helpful to share some of the various sources of confusion and the ways in which it can show up in our daily life. Perhaps some will resonate with you. So, in no particular order:
Multiple Parts Talking at Once: If you’ve experienced this, you know how disorienting it can feel, especially when it gets loud. This phenomenon sounds very much like when you are in a room full of people where you can hear many voices talking, but you can’t make out any specific words. It’s similar to how it might feel if you are standing at the door of a wedding reception. This can happen organically when multiple parts are active, have a lot to say or are upset. It can also be triggered by situations that beckon multiple parts to respond. For example, we are guaranteed to experience this whenever our therapist asks, “So, how are all the parts doing?” They ALL feel the need to answer that question at the exact same time.
For us, the confusion becomes paramount when whomever is at the front is listening to the noise, unable to make out any words, while anxiety starts to build. It can feel almost as if someone hit the pause button and time gets suspended as we struggle to figure out what to do. The internal swirling noise coupled with the rising anxiety feels disorienting. If we can manage to say out loud, “everyone is talking at once,” our therapist can then respond directly to the collective of parts with, “Only one part can talk at a time. We can only hear you one at a time, so you’ll have to take turns.” As simple as that sounds, it can work quite well and one part will deliver a topic ripe for exploration. Sometimes it doesn’t work at all, and we have to work together asking questions designed to identify what is at the crux of the internal chaos before we can move forward.
Occasionally, even the line of questioning fails. When that happens, complete silence moves in, and everything just goes blank. Perhaps that is an early adolescent part’s version of “F**k you” or it could be a protective part sensing fear or danger and withdrawing all other parts and thoughts as a way of keeping us safe. While this is going on, thoughts like: What’s happening; Why can’t I just answer a simple question; Why is this happening now swirl around and dance with mounting anxiety compounding the very present feeling of confusion. Breathing through it, reminding yourself that this is temporary can help quell some of the anxiety and discomfort.
Blended Parts: When two parts blend together it often creates substantial confusion and blurriness. This experience may last for moments, hours or even a day or more. Sometimes we can tell at the day’s onset that we’re going to have a confusing, blurry day. For example, when we find ourselves wearing clothes that represent or belong to two different parts, we know the day is going to be…interesting. This happened recently. We have a part that prefers to be “really put together.” She enjoys contact lenses, dangly jewelry, impeccable makeup, styled hair and form fitting clothes. We have another part who prefers glasses, no or minimal makeup, no jewelry and loose, soft loungewear for clothing. The former is an extrovert who loves talking and performing. She’s also one of the parts who took the brunt of abuse that occurred during the body’s second decade of life. The latter, on the other hand, prefers quiet, intellectual if any conversations. If she really has her way, you’ll find her reading, studying or writing by herself. A clear extrovert blending with an undeniable introvert makes for a day filled with plenty of confusion as their thoughts and emotions mix together. In truth, we get through those days mostly by holding on for the ride. Because the day tends to bring ample opportunities for extroverted parts to shine and feel heard, we have found that making sure the introvert gets some quiet time does help minimize that part’s efforts to sabotage the extroverted part and overall makes the day more manageable.
Can’t Remember Shit: There’s really no better way to term this one. There is nothing more rattling than someone asking you for the most basic information and not being able to pull it up. Date of birth? Stare back at them blankly. Who knows? Address? Can only remember the childhood one. Zip code? Will the childhood one work? Phone number? Fuck! Lemme check my phone. It feels embarrassing and our head feels like pea soup. I can’t sift through thoughts fast enough to figure out what I could possibly say to cover for the inexplicable loss of this incredibly basic information. Sometimes just laughing and saying something like “Brain cramp! Oy!” or cracking what feels like a lame joke about overworking is the best I muster at the time. The internal feelings of panic and anxiety at not being able to remember defies words. You can’t help but worry about your brain function when things like this happen and staying calm is not a reflexive reaction. Again, breathing through it and reminding yourself this has happened before, it will be okay helps.
Equally disconcerting are the times when some unsuspecting human walks up and starts talking, “Oh my GOD! It’s so good to see you! It’s been so long!” and I have absolutely no clue who they are, where I could possibly have met them and what in the world I should say back. Do I ask them who they are? That seems rude and might result in hurt feelings. Listen closely for clues. Come on, we must know them from somewhere! But where?? Say something to give us a clue. Are you someone work related? A family friend? Someone from long ago?? Our go-to strategy is to stay superficial, act as normal as possible and do our best to sound like we know who they are. Then, as quickly as we can we’ll say something like, “Gosh I really wish I could stay and catch up more, but I have to dash because I’m late to meet with someone” and high tail it out of there. Often, we’ll spend days obsessing over it, worrying about our memory or just trying really hard to place the face. If we figure it out, great. If not we’ve learned to let it go and chalk it up to #DIDlife.
We’d be remiss if we didn’t also mention the times of suddenly not knowing how to do something that we’re typically really good at and able to do with ease. This phenomenon can last for just a short time, like a few seconds or minutes, or it can last for quite a long time like days, weeks or months. Writing and public speaking are two things we do a lot of, and both skill sets have hit the road at one time or another, sometimes for long periods, leaving us high and dry and confused. In fairness, in our case, some of that was also illness related. Either way, it creates substantial anxiety and confusion. I wish I had a good coping skill for this one. Patience and compassion coupled with reassuring self-talk seem to be about the best at the time.
The Incredible Shrinking Me: Realistically, this probably fits in with blending, but it can also be passive influence. Sometimes we’re just going along in our day when suddenly out of nowhere we feel really little, and everything looks very different. There can be an overwhelming urge to grab a stuffed animal and cling to it for comfort coupled with a strong internal longing for some unidentified something. In many ways it’s like being transported back to being 4 or 5 years old but without any context. This is different than hearing littles or having littles overtly come out. While in many ways, it can be amusing to hear the commentary of parts talking throughout the day, whether it’s a little yelling, “Ducky” as one flies over head or the sarcastic observation of a young teen part, the experience of suddenly feeling very small and young is different…and it’s disconcerting. It can be hard to know what to do, how to get out of that spot or know why it’s happening. Depending on what else might be going on in that moment, where we are physically and what we’re doing, it can add a thick layer of confusion that is almost leveling. Most importantly, try to be in a safe enough physical space. Try asking who’s there and what they need and see if you get an answer, image or idea. If you get an answer, respond to it as best you can. If you don’t get any answers, try writing in a journal or calling an internal meeting of all parts to see if you can get help from other parts. If those things don’t work, taking a time out and doing anything that usually brings joy or relief can be helpful.
Out of the Blue Emotions: We imagine that you’ve all had plenty of experience with this situation. Invariably, and typically completely out of left field, come really strong emotions that aren’t attached to any thought, event or situation. They arrive and take up residence for a period of time. There was a recent and prolonged period where it was guaranteed to happen any time our mind was not engaged in some work or intellectual task. For example, we’d head downstairs to grab something to drink, and no sooner would our foot hit the bottom stair that we’d nearly double over from the impact of intense sadness that suddenly hit. No idea where it came from or why. If I’m lucky, as soon as I’m back on task it fades, only to return as soon as I take another break. Other times it can be more lasting. There is something unnerving and confusing about having strong emotions that you can’t place, understand or find a reason for.
We’re learning to turn inward and ask whenever the free-floating intense emotions arrive. “Who’s there?” “What do you need me to know?” One particular day while out walking our dog, unshakable, heavy sadness hit. It was that thick, dark, full body sadness. When I asked who it was, our four-year-old part showed up. Her body was limp with grief. Instinctively I picked her up and carried her as I walked. I could feel her head resting against my shoulder, her body melting into mine. Over the course of the remainder of the walk, I felt her leaden sadness ease ever so slightly. By the time I got back to my car, she’d gone off to be with a 14-year-old part that generally keeps her safe. Although I didn’t get answers about her sadness that day, I did get a closeness to her that I don’t typically feel. It made me realize how much some of my parts need me, and that I need them in ways that I never really understood before. It also helped me feel less afraid of getting to know them better.
Who is That: Glancing in the mirror and not recognizing the reflection gazing back is another confusing, disconcerting experience that happens fairly regularly. It’s difficult to explain what this feels like, and it doesn’t always feel the same. Sometimes we study the reflection in the mirror with the vague knowledge that that body staring back belongs to us, while trying to figure out exactly what’s wrong. Sometimes it seems too old. Or the face is too square. The hair is too long or too short, is styled wrong or is the wrong color. The gender is wrong. The mouth is too thin or too full. The eyes too blue or too gray. Inevitably we glance away, feeling a bit like we’re swimming underwater with our eyes open. On an intellectual level understanding that it is a part frozen in some other time period that is experiencing this basic disconnect helps ease the discomfort of the experience. Other times it’s just a matter of riding out the concomitant depersonalization, derealization that ensues. We’ve felt this before. It will feel okay again soon is a helpful mantra.
The Mouth is Possessed: This is a source of both great embarrassment and confusion. It can happen during stressful conversations, and occasionally, unexpectedly during more fun, animated conversations. In general, we can navigate extremely challenging situations with relative ease. But every now and then, even though we have something diplomatic to say, another part will suddenly shove me out of the driver’s seat, take control and start talking. I feel frozen, helplessly watching as words tumble out of our mouth and trust me when I say they are NOT words I would choose to say. Worst part? Can’t stop it. The train left the station and there’s no calling it back. Usually it’s not too bad, but it does create a bit of mess to clean up. It results in what we refer to as the DID version of Monday quarterbacking. Why did that happen? What exactly was said? UGH! Why did that have to happen then? Why with that person? Why with others watching?? That feels awful! I don’t even know how to explain it to anyone. How do I walk that back? That person must think x, y or z about us. We’re left with an unsettling ball of confusion, regret, and embarrassment. It gets better with time and awareness we’re told.
Shut up! Say more! Parts commenting throughout the day is a given for many systems and ours is no different in that regard. Parts having opposing opinions is also not uncommon and, in many ways, we’re accustomed to dealing with that. It does lead to its own special kind of confusion, however. The place where it wreaks the most havoc is when you have some parts telling you to stop talking while others are telling you to say more. “Stop talking! You’re saying too much! Nobody needs that much detail. People are going to think we’re bat shit crazy. Seriously SHUT UP!” Meanwhile, “You’re not saying enough. Nobody’s gonna understand what you’re even talking about. You need to give more detail. You’re being confusing! They’re not getting it! You have to be more specific!” Trying to figure out what to do and who to listen to is no easy task. It ends up looking like a stuttering, sputtering mess that eventually winds up suspended in an utterly awkward silence.
Blank space Baby: Not quite as much fun as Taylor Swift’s music, this is when your thoughts and feelings suddenly disappear and you are completely, totally blank. It can happen right after the “shut up, no say more” scenario and it can also happen as a protective mechanism when you are getting too close to unsafe material that some part feels it needs to protect the system from. Acknowledging that something is ‘too much right now’ for one or more parts and respecting that is important. It’s also difficult to do when you don’t have the details around why it’s too hard, or why that is coming up or happening for you right now. Sometimes the best we can all do is just trust the process while we continue to work on communication, cooperation and collaboration.
Not Exactly a Wrap
Realistically, there are a million more scenarios that create confusion for systems. We appreciate the days where we don’t experience much if any, and we are learning to be patient and tolerant when entire days are filled with confusion. Like most things in the healing journey, leaning in with gentleness and compassion goes a long way toward stability and feeling safe enough. Even when we don’t want to, even when anger might be brewing, even when we wish things were simpler, acknowledging the presence and needs of all parts while ensuring all parts are heard and respected leads to less confusion and chaos overall. And that is a good thing. After all…it is a journey.